


More like Bert and Ernie

by miss_trilby



Category: British Comedy RPF, Would I Lie To You? RPF
Genre: Fluff, Love, Lust, M/M, Male Slash, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-31
Updated: 2014-08-31
Packaged: 2018-02-15 11:21:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2227152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miss_trilby/pseuds/miss_trilby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>David finds himself watching an episode of 'Not Going Out'.  It wasn't intentional...Honest.</p><p>Quite fluffy...eventually.</p>
            </blockquote>





	More like Bert and Ernie

It wasn't that he had any specific desire to watch it; why would he? There just wasn't anything else on. Well that wasn't strictly true; he hadn't checked. But anyway, that wasn't _his_ fault; the remote was sitting over the other side of the room, and getting up off the sofa to fetch it surely negated the whole concept of 'remote' in the first place. So he was stuck with it...Out of principle, and if there was one thing David had, it was principles.

 _Still,_ David thought as he popped the cork on the Rioja, it wasn't a _terrible_ show. He could probably put up with it for a bit. And just because it happened to be Lee's show, and Lee happened to be in it, didn't make it any more significant or weird than watching say... Gavin  & Stacey ...or Fresh Meat. Hard to flick the telly on these days without a friend or colleague popping up. Besides, Tim Vine was a decent bloke. He'd always admired Tim's work, always, no really he had. Just because he'd never made a point of thinking it outwardly didn't mean it wasn't true, did it?

David poured the wine and took a large mouthful, enjoying the warm, soothing feel of the liquor as it slipped down his throat. It was a deep, inky elixir, the sort of plush, thick-layered stuff that left your head soft and spinning after half a glass. A tonic, particularly on otherwise-comfortless winter nights like these. Was he seeking comfort? A little, perhaps. Something to take the edge off the melancholy. He always felt like this... When it was over. A little out of sorts, a touch bereft ...Pining.

Okay...So there he was, Lee...looking just as stupid and goofy as ever.

Maybe not _pining_ exactly.

A little younger, a little thinner than he was now...He definitely looked better these days, though Lee wouldn't agree. Still tall and broad shouldered though...or was that just because he was next to Sally?

"People don't just forget things when they're drunk," Lee was saying.

Ah, So he was getting pissed was he?...What a surprise. Maybe he hadn't been lying about the method acting after all. Yeah, right. And what was it with those God damn eyes?! Could he ever look serious? They just sort of bubbled, little pools of mischief and levity, as if a carousel of cheap smut and 'Carry-On' rotated continually behind them, in place of his brain. David took another sip of his wine and decided upon reflection, that this was probably a fairly accurate representation of the inside of Lee's head.

Definitely not pining then.

Why was he thinking about Lee's eyes again anyway? Just drink the fucking wine and watch the fucking programme...Objectively...As if he didn't know him, as if he hadn't sat across from him only yesterday. As if the scent of him wasn't still all over the jacket he'd left behind as he hot-footed it out of there on the first bell. David's eyes flicked once over Lee's jacket, where it lay draped over the arm of the sofa, not quite close enough to justify brushing the cloth accidentally as he reached for his wine, yet close enough to catch the familiar trail of Lee's cologne in the air. He'd had to bring it home with him. Well he couldn't very well have just left it there, could he? Things had a habit of going missing at Pinewood. Yes, he'd done the logical, 'matey' thing to do and undoubtedly kept it from ending up on Ebay.

Of course now he'd have to get in touch to let him know, in case he needed to meet-up sometime to get it back. He looked at his phone and his stomach twisted. Lee probably wouldn't be bothered though, after all, he did have several hundred other more or less identically shit ones. He looked away from his phone and back at the telly. He'd do it later. No rush.

Lee was in bed now, bare-chested, possibly naked altogether. He was smoother than he'd imagined, not that he'd ever imagined Lee naked, obviously... Except perhaps that one time with the bum double, when he'd told that story about being hung upside down and whipped; but then surely _everyone_ had been imagining _that,_ not just him. And then there was the Bermuda thing...Dave, the 'experimental year'. Even the audience laughter couldn't muffle the sound of their ragged breath as they rutted up against each-other in some dark corner of his twisted mind. That had been an unwelcome shock. Then of course there was the whole tea/coffee thing, which still gave him tremors if he thought about it now.

" Just givin 'em what they want, David," Lee had smirked afterwards, whilst managing to look entirely complacent and un-apologetic, "...Flirting and humour; You keep giving me the doe-eyes, and I'll take care of the jokes." Cheeky bastard. He didn't give him eyes of any sort...Did he? Lee had turned to Rob and in an exaggerated 'aside' he'd whispered, "Floozy". Rob had laughed, and Hew had laughed, which had only encouraged him, the corner of his mouth turning up in a wicked smile. Then a swift glance up through his lashes, a wink, a manly squeeze of David's knee, and David was grinning helplessly back at him, albeit pink-cheeked and askew.  

Sometimes, when he set about ripping apart one of Lee's deliciously far-fetched stories, or when he aimed a particularly smug, impassioned rant in Lee's direction, or when they fell so effortlessly in synch with one another, provoking, inciting, teasing... Razor sharp syllables batted back and forth like shuttlecocks... A Paso Doble, a tumultuous Tango, a filthy flirty showboat of a Rumba...The camera would pan away...Then Lee would grin and wink at him as if to say 'Good job', and David, breathless, would revel in the praise, finding himself hot all over... and slightly hard. But that was the thrill of making good comedy, nothing more. It probably happened to everyone.

So Lee had fucked the landlady. He'd got drunk and he'd fucked her... Except he hadn't. That much was obvious. David smiled to himself as Lee worked a line about her being pounded by a jackhammer, with one beautifully loaded expression. Fuck the writing...That was genius. Oh he knew Lee's ability to bring the house down with a fleeting glance alright...A raised eyebrow, a bitten lip, a slight incline of the head...Hilarious. But oh, the writing was so perfect too, 'Double-entendre...Pussy-footing'... And there was _that_ look again.

Yes, it was impossible not to like him, cocky little piss-taking bastard that he was. He was fun to be around and he made people feel good. He rarely got bogged down with the serious stuff. He didn't complain about schedules or moan over deadlines or yell on the phone when someone fucked up, and in this business where it was pretty much the law to be a miserable sod off camera, that was refreshing...More than that...It was exciting. Lee was the older boy in the school yard, the cool one who rolled up late without a tie, the smart-arse who answered back, and made the trainee teachers blush.   The young David, the one with the A grades and the 'swot knot' liked that a lot. David liked to think Lee still drew cocks on desks in meetings and told producers they were cunts. He liked it when Lee bullied him, when he took the piss out of his hair style and his accent and his education, because for some reason, the cool boy seemed to genuinely like him, find him funny even, and somehow the teasing always just felt warm and benevolent.... and just that tiny bit dangerous. David enjoyed this the most- When Lee pushed that boundary between benign banter and reckless flirting, David could never be entirely sure it was just for the cameras. When neurons fired in his brain like sparks and the blood hummed through his veins and his cheeks ached from smiling so damn hard, he wondered whether it was possible to actually be addicted to this, like a drug. Sometimes he worried where it could all end up.

David poured more wine. It had been less than a day since they'd finished taping, twenty two hours, not that he was counting or anything. Twenty two hours and seventeen minutes since the final retake. Lee hadn't stayed for a drink. He'd had a car waiting. Some appearance on Michael McIntyre or Graham Norton, or the X Factor, or the Antiques fucking Roadshow...Whatever. He was so popular these days; everyone wanted a piece of him, and he could see why, if he was honest. But still, two recordings in one night was a bit much. He could have said no. Not like he needed the publicity, or the fee for that matter. It _was_ the last WILTY of the series, and they always, always had a drink together on the last recording of the series. Maybe this was a sign of things to come. Maybe there would be no more drinks. Maybe next time he wouldn't be there for any of it. David would just bump into him occasionally on a chat show sofa, or some awards bash somewhere:

 **Lee:** Alright posh-boy! Long time no see.

 **Him:** Lee! How the hell are you?

 **Lee:** Oh y'know...Busy. They're trying to give me my own TV channel. How's WILTY? Miss me?

 **Him:** Not much _(Every god-damn second of it)_

 **Lee:** *smiling* So, Johnny Vegas working out for you then?

 **Him:** Acclimatising. Hardly ever throws things at me anymore.

 **Lee:** *still smiling* I still wish I'd thrown that coconut at you, you know.

 **Him:** *smiling back-lopsided* You'd have been in trouble if you had.

 **Lee:** *in David's voice* 'None of us are insured for that to happen."

 **Him:** *incredulous* You _remember_?

 **Lee:** Naa, It was on the other day.

 **Him:** *Raised eyebrows* You _watch_ it?

 **Lee:** Course. Don't you?

 **Him:** *blushing* No _(yes)_

 **Lee:** *grinning widely* Angus would never have saved you, y'know.

 **Him:** I don't dispute that. When the teacher's pissing himself laughing, the bullied kid doesn't stand much of a chance really.

 **Lee:** *grinning* You loved it, Mitchell.

 **David** : No, I really didn't.

 **Lee:** Anyway I'd best be going...I'm hosting...You know that already, sorry.

 **Him:** Yeah, just try not to start anything that warrants an Ofcom investigation.

 **Lee:** *rubbing hands together gleefully* I'll try, but I think _you're_ up for a couple.

 **Him:** *blushing* Lovely. Well, if you need someone to spell-check your public apology..."

 **Lee:** *Laughing* I'll bear that in mind. Well I'll see you later then...maybe.

 **Him:** Right. See you later. _(Don't go! I love you.)_

Shit! Where did that come from!? Because that was definitely not what he'd meant! He looked worriedly at the wine in his hand and then placed the glass on the table. He looked at Lee on the screen. He had a stupid hat on over his stupid hair and they were about to watch the 'sex tape' that wasn't going to be a 'sex tape' because well, it just wasn't...because that wouldn't be funny, that would just be ridiculous...and pornographic...and who would want to watch Lee Mack writhing about naked on a bed anyway?! David bit his lower lip. _Love Lee! Pah! As if!_

Lucy was crawling on the bed beside a drunken, unresponsive Lee.

David swallowed. He could feel his heart pounding, perhaps it was his blood pressure. He made a mental note to ring and make an appointment to see the doctor first thing in the morning.

She found his zip and dragged it down slowly, the sharp sound sending a sudden unexpected thrill through his body. He gritted his teeth and watched as she pulled his t shirt over his head, revealing his bare chest. David leapt up off the sofa and dived over to the remote control. He hit rewind. Once more the pang hit him. David found he was hard. Really hard. Almost crazy hard. Blood pounded in his ears and his head felt thick and fuzzy.

_Shit! When the fuck did this happen?!_

The sound of the doorbell startled him. He hit the pause button, freezing Lee in position, his t shirt dragged up across his face, half naked. In the sudden silence of the room he could hear only his own shallow breaths and the rain pounding hard against the window. Great. Just great. His flatmate lost his keys again. He had a good mind to just leave him there in the pissing down rain; Teach him a lesson. He sighed and struggled up off the sofa, aware of the rather large bulge in the front of his trousers. He looked around frantically, his eyes falling on Lee's jacket. Before he could talk himself out of it, he whipped it up and shrugged his arms into it, grimacing, pulling it around to cover himself as best he could. The feel of it on his skin, Lee's scent all around him, on him, made his stomach flip. This was bad...Really bad. He strode into the hallway feeling confused, slightly dizzy and also angry at the unwelcome intrusion.

"You're a total fucking idiot you know!" he called in the direction of the front door, "If I had any sense I'd just bloody leave you there to perish!" He threw the door open.

He'd never seen Lee so wet before. At first he didn't recognise him. He just stared wide-eyed and open-mouthed into the darkness and the rain sheeting down in the glow from the street lamp, his pupils expanding until there was only black.

"Bit harsh, David. I might be an idiot but I wouldn't say I deserved to _die_!"

David didn't react, couldn't react. Lee was smiling at him now, his eyes catching the light from the hallway. Blinking once, twice against the rivulets of water cascading freely through his hair and down over his forehead. Holy fuck. David's eyes travelled the length of his body, his shirt saturated, clinging tight to his chest, the cotton more or less transparent. David stared. This was not happening. This was definitely not happening.

As he watched, Lee dragged a hand through his hair, as if in slow motion, slicking it back, dislodging more drips which ran down his neck and disappeared into his soggy shirt collar. David stared helplessly.

"Daa-vid?" He waved a hand in front of David's face. " This isn't the Daz doorstep challenge you know. Are you gonna let me in or what?"

David blinked. "Lee ...I...I thought you were my...What the hell are _you_ doing here?"

"I've come to read your meter...What do you think I'm doin' here? " He rolled his eyes, "If you hadn't noticed, it's a bit damp out here, so if you're not gonna let me in, at least lend me a brolly."

"Yes, yes of course. I'm sorry, please come in." David backed away from the door, "I was just... surprised."

Lee stepped into the hallway, and stood emanating cold, leaking water on to the carpet.

"It's my fault," he said, blowing a drip from the end of his nose. "I probably should have called first. I was in the area and I..." He stopped suddenly and stared at David, squinting.

"...Is that...Is that _my_ jacket?!"

David flushed a bright shade of pink and looked down at himself, clutching the jacket closer to his body, to his erection, which was stubbornly refusing to go anywhere. His mouth opened then closed again.

"It is isn't it?" Lee continued, looking confused. "Either that's my jacket, David, or you've suddenly developed a great sense of style. I'm thinking it's not the latter."

"I...I was going to text you," David managed. "You left it behind yesterday and well, I didn't want it to go astray."

"Right," Lee said slowly, " Thanks, though if you don't mind me saying, you seem to be taking your role as protector of the jacket quite seriously."

"Not at all."

"Can I have it back then?"

"Give it a minute."

Lee looked at David, puzzled, and gave a short laugh through his nose. "Y'know I wasn't aware you actually _toned down_ your eccentricity for the cameras, David ...Are you sure you're okay?"

David stifled a manic laugh. "Oh absolutely!" _Shit. Fuck_ "I'll just pop and fetch you a pair of my trousers to put on shall I? Then we can have an absinthe and a game of twister."

Lee laughed, bewildered.

David turned away. "Look... Let me get you a towel to stand on."

"Oh great! Look after the carpet, don't worry about me will you? I'll just drip-dry."

David gave him an exasperated look and went off in search of towels, glad of an excuse to move out of Lee's disconcerting gaze. He was back moments later.

"Cheers." Lee wiped his face and then rubbed at his hair, and when he stopped and looked at him, David felt himself flush. His hair was still wet and sticking out from his head at odd angles, his shirt clinging limply to his skin. He looked amazing, gorgeous. It took his breath away.

"So err," he stammered, averting his eyes quickly, aware of the heat creeping into his cheeks, "So err, you were just...what?... in the area?"

Lee glanced up at him, biting his lip, rubbing at a sleeve with the towel, "Yep."

"But you...you live _miles_ away!"

Lee stopped rubbing, "I'm sorry, I wasn't aware there was an injunction."

David ignored him. "You're not even wearing a raincoat. You could have caught your death."

"I appreciate your concern, David, but raincoats are generally considered to be a bit wanky." He screwed up his nose, "You'd do well to remember that."

David's mouth was set in a crooked line.

"let's get you by the fire."

Lee turned and followed him towards the living room. He'd barely got past the door when to his surprise, David spun round and pushed him backwards. "On second thoughts...Let's not go in there!"

Lee blinked at him, his gaze dropping to David's hands gripping his upper arms. David blushed furiously but didn't loosen his grip.

"Oh aye...What's goin on? What do you not want me to see?" Lee grinned smugly, "Are you watching apes fucking again on National Geographic?"

David glared at him and pouted. He'd have loved to have made a smart comment about how true that statement was, but didn't dare.

Lee twisted and peered over David's shoulder. David watched his face change.

"Is that... Is that...ME?"

_Shit_

"It is! That's me."

David felt the panic rising up through his body, his arms and legs tingling. Was this the famous fight or flight response? Probably not, as it appeared to render him incapable of doing either effectively. His grip on Lee's arms loosened and Lee was able to manoeuvre past him into the room. David stood there weak and wordless, praying for death.

"If I'd have known you were a closet fan, David..."

"I'm not a closet _anything_!" David croaked out, "I was channel hopping, you rang the doorbell, I threw your jacket on for modesty and that's essentially it!" He pushed past Lee, seizing the remote control from the sofa and switching it off. "There. See? Gone."

Lee laughed softly, "Spoilsport." In the silence there was only the sound of the rain, and the hiss from the gas fire. His eyes caught David's and held them for a moment. David blinked back at him, startled. In the soft lamp-light he couldn't tell if Lee's eyes were green, or blue, or grey. It usually depended what he was wearing. David wondered briefly what colour they'd be if he was wearing nothing at all. His gaze dropped, sliding involuntary down over Lee's soaked body. Don't _look down, for Christ's sake! ... Fuck me!...Everything's so...Clingy._..

David swallowed, dragging his eyes back up to Lee's face. "You're shivering," he said quietly, You'd better take those wet clothes off..."

"Bloody hell, you don't waste time do you? I'm pretty sure protocol dictates you should at least kiss me first."

David stared, startled, "Yes, err, hah! Well I'll err pop them in the tumble dryer. They should only take half an hour." He turned away quickly, towards the kitchen. "Bathroom's just through there. There's a robe on the back of the door you can throw on. "

"Great. Cheers."

"Cup of tea?" David called, a little too loudly.

"That'd be nice."

As soon as Lee was safely in the bathroom, David bent and hit his forehead once, twice against the kitchen counter. Pausing, feeling the granite, cool against his skin. Was it actually possible to have made himself look any more like a complete and utter cock? He may as well have just saved it for the show _..._

_"Occasionally, whilst sitting at home alone, I like to dress up in Lee's clothes and perv at him on the telly."_

There could even be a VT for evidence, in case anyone doubted he was that disgusting. It really couldn't be any more humiliating than this. After several moments he straightened up, sucked in a breath and set about filling the kettle and finding mugs.

"Is this some kind of a joke?"

David spun round at the sound of his voice. Lee stood there in the doorway in the special travel dressing gown, an embarrassed half-smile on his face.

"This is revenge, that's what this is."

His hair was still wet, almost black, some of the dryer pieces flicking out stubbornly, despite Lee's obvious attempt at smoothing it down, The gown looked good on him, better than good in fact. David felt his cheeks heat up and found he couldn't quite meet his eyes. Oh God, he looked like a lazy Sunday morning with tea and newspapers and croissants . He looked fresh from the shower after warm, sleepy morning sex. He looked like he belonged here.

"Errm...Port and a cigar?" David stammered, folding his arms, one corner of his mouth curled in to a shy smirk.

Lee laughed softly, "Touché. But if this ends up on twitter, you're fucking dead Mitchell. Where do you want these?"

"I'll take them." David took the bundle of sodden garments, resisting the urge to shake them out first like a mother hen, and stuffed them in the tumble dryer. "Sit down. I'll bring your tea."

Lee stayed where he was, leaning against the doorframe. "Thanks," he said, "You know, for this."

"Don't worry about it. It's my pleasure," David replied, stirring the tea and silently cursing himself. _Don't call it a 'pleasure' for God's sake! As if he doesn't already think you're some sort of obsessed weirdo._

 _"_ I mean, I use the term 'pleasure' in the vaguest possible sense of the word. Sort of like the pleasure one derives from say a day trip to a pleasant yet slightly underwhelming market town. It's essentially fine, just not massively enjoyable. Just so you're clear on that.

Lee looked at him, bemused, but David didn't look back. _Shut up David, just shut the fuck up._

"Not sure anyone's ever compared me to a disappointing market town before. Did you have a specific one in mind? How about Basingstoke?

"I'm merely pointing out," David said, "That it's categorically fine...That you're here, I mean. I don't mind. I'm a normal amount of pleased to see you."

"Do you make all your visitors this welcome, David?"

David turned to give Lee a mocking glare. "Not all my visitors are wearing my dressing gown."

"Well not all the people I visit are wearing my jacket."

David grinned sheepishly as he placed a mug of steaming tea on the end of the kitchen counter.    

   " Probably best never to speak of this again."

"Oh I don't know," Lee grinned, "It'd make a fun anecdote for this year's acceptance speech."

"You think we'll need an acceptance speech?"

"Yeah," Lee said, "I do. It was fun...Doing the series I mean. I think it'll go down well. Don't you?"

"Yes," David managed, sipping his tea. "You were certainly on top form last night. That bit you threw in about Narnia..." He shook his head, disbelievingly, "You're like a fox, alighting on the back of a sheep to divert it's scent."

"I prefer 'fox' to 'market town'."

" I don't know how you get away with it."

"Neither do I," Lee grinned, then he paused, "David. About last night..."

"And you didn't have to make Jimmy laugh quite so much, I'm still slightly deaf in my right ear."

"I'm sorry," Lee said genuinely. "Not about Jimmy, although I'm sorry about that too... About last night, I wanted to stay and have a drink with y...with _everyone_. You know what it's like; my agent booked this thing and I didn't want to let people down. I felt terrible legging it out like that."

"It's fine," David said, "Really."

"I just sat there on the sofa, like an idiot," Lee continued, "Spewing the same old shit and not even caring that I wasn't being funny. All I could think was _I should be in the pub now, with a beer in my hand, winding David up."_

"Yes, well Jimmy managed that perfectly well in your absence," David said. "I mean, I barely even noticed you weren't there to be honest." He looked away quickly in case Lee could tell he was lying. _What a stupid thing to say! Of course you bloody noticed he wasn't there!_

"Oh, right," Lee said, looking hurt, "So I've got competition have I? Well I hope you gave as good as you got."

"Of course."

Lee nodded slowly, suspiciously, as if he didn't believe him. " I thought he took over a bit last night. You shouldn't let him push you around so much...That's my job."

David grinned shyly, "Oh is it now?"

Lee shrugged, "That's just how it works, David."

David turned away and went to the fridge, mainly just to block out the inappropriate images racing through his head:

_That's just how it works, David..._

_And you like it like that don't you... When I push you around? How about if I pushed you right now, hard up against this fridge, my fist in your hair, gripping, dragging your head back, my mouth hard against yours, my tongue pushing into you. Would you like that too? I bet you would. You're so hard for me right now; I could push you to your knees and you wouldn't think twice about it would you? You'd just open your mouth and suck, all wide-eyed and reverent...(On second thoughts, he probably wouldn't say 'reverent')_

"Would you like something to eat? I've got cold pizza. I could warm it up...Or..."

"No ta, I'm good."

"Or pasta?" David mumbled, from inside the fridge, "Or something else...I could make toast?"

"David"

"Hm?"

"I wasn't in the area."

There was a pause whilst David withdrew slowly from the fridge and straightened up. Lee crossed the kitchen and stood close to him, leaning on the counter, looking slightly abashed.

"I came here on purpose, to see you. I needed to tell you...To tell you..."

He ran a hand through his hair in frustration.

David felt his heart sink. He closed the fridge and leaned against it, arms folded, eyes huge. "You're leaving aren't you?" he said bitterly, "I knew it. So when was this decided?"

Lee blinked back at him, confounded. "I'm not leaving. Who said I was leaving?"

"You're not?!" _Thank God!_ " Oh, no-one," David replied hurriedly, " I just thought you might have other things...other plans."

"It's a couple of days a year, David. It's also the thing I enjoy most, if you must know," Lee said, smiling now. " If it was up to me, we'd never stop. We'd just grow old together."

David grinned, "Like Eric and Ernie."

Lee wrinkled his nose, "More like Bert and Ernie."

David laughed awkwardly, feeling a little warm all of a sudden. _Weren't they like... secret lovers?_

"Bert and Ernie?" he said scathingly, "As in the Muppets' Bert and Ernie?"

"Yeah," Lee shot back, pointing at himself with his thumbs, "I'm Bert, obviously." He grinned.

David stared at him pointedly. _Why obviously? was Bert the least gay one?_

"Well now you mention it, I have to say the resemblance is rather uncanny. I can see where you got your inspiration for the hair style." _Good. That was good. Focus on its physical appearance. Do not under any circumstances make any reference to its potential sexual preferences._

Lee smiled, eyes twinkling. "it was him that copied me."

"Was that before or after you copied his nose?"

Lee stared in mock outrage, "Charming!  Ernie would never say that! That's hurtful that is."

"You're right. I'm sorry," David replied dryly, "How can I make it up to you? How about a cuddle and a nursery rhyme?" _Great. Now you're suggesting a cuddle. May as well just hump his leg and be done with it._

Lee twisted the corner of the tea-towel around his finger, and glanced up once into David's eyes. "I think I'll pass on the nursery rhyme."  

David felt his stomach flip. Crikey, t _hat sounded a bit flirtatious. On which side of the camp did Lee pitch his tent anyway? A platonic friendship between two asexual kids' puppets, or the altogether more controversial 'Ernest and Bertram' take?_ David looked at Lee's grinning face and silently berated himself. As if Lee was on any side of the camp. Lee was so bloody far away from the camp, the camp was a dot to him. _Say something, you dick._

"I'm not sure Bert and Ernie ever really cuddle. There's the whole issue of the sticks holding their arms up for a start, which would just get in the way, and make for a rather clumsy, somewhat uncomfortable experience...And there's just that general lack of co-ordination...and well, it's a mine-field really," David said, raising his cup to his lips.

Lee looked back at him, straight-faced, "Wanking each other off must be a nightmare then."

David spluttered on his tea. _So quick. So unexpected. So God-damn casual._ Lee was twinkling at him now, playing with a strand of his hair. _Jesus!_ David felt the heat spreading up over his neck and cheeks. _Didn't Ernest blow his brains out at the end, crazy in love? Fuck! This is how it ends. I kill myself...Then someone makes a spoof; 'Would I Die For You?'_

"Anyway," David said, avoiding Lee's eyes and placing his cup on the counter, "It's foolish to think we can just go on indefinitely, I mean, I have absolutely no even remotely interesting 'truths' left; you know literally all there is to know about me, and vice versa."

"You could do what I do," Lee said, smirking, "And just make it up."

He watched David's mouth open in outrage. "I'm joking, David," he cried, "God!" He rolled his eyes, "Seriously though, if we have no dirty little secrets left, then we're just going to have to make some more, aren't we?"

David felt himself blush, and looked away in agitation, because really, if Lee was going to say 'Dirty little secrets' in that tone of voice, then he should really give out some kind of a warning, so he could prepare.

"I mean, You could go on holiday to Benidorm," Lee suggested, looking oblivious, "Or take up skateboarding, or get a nipple piercing...That could make for an interesting reveal." He winked.

David laughed shyly and folded his arms across his chest. "Or an interesting way to dramatically cut viewing figures."

Lee laughed. "You could buy a couple of swans, join a cult, start a collection of clown-porn..."

David grinned whilst managing to look genuinely offended. "You do realise that by listing potential legitimate anecdotes, what you are actually doing, in effect, is just diminishing my options?"

Lee ignored him. "I'm getting so desperate, I was thinking of taping a 'Duck Quacks' naked from the waist down," he said, a broad grin lighting up his face, "What do you think about that then?"

"True," David muttered, looking mildly appalled, "unequivocally  true."

Lee laughed, "Although I don't mind if you want to take that one. It'd certainly make 'Was it Something I Said?' more lively.

David squirmed and grimaced, "That's just disgusting. Please stop now."

"Fine," Lee smiled, looking down at the floor, "Or perhaps you could do something really crazy, and ask me to stay the night."

For a moment David couldn't speak. Time seemed to freeze whilst he looked back at Lee, waiting for the imminent burst of laughter, the hand clap, the slow shake of the head, the pitying _'What? You didn't think I was serious did you, Mitchell? Pah!'_ But it didn't happen.

_Wait...He could mean on the sofa. It was getting pretty late. Of course that's what he meant. Idiot._

"Yes... of course. I have to warn you though, the sofa's not the comfiest." _Thank God. Embarrassment averted; that could have been awkward._

Lee looked back at him, chewing on his lip, "I didn't mean on the sofa, David."

"But what...What about your clothes? They'll be dry soon."

Lee stood just looking at him for several seconds. Then he closed his eyes, exhaling loudly, "God, I'm a fucking idiot," he said, turning away, "I just thought...Never mind, I'm sorry. I'll go."

David stared after him confused, until it hit him like a punch to the stomach. Did Lee...Did Lee just...? And did he just...Turn him down?! _Fuck!_

David swallowed, then on shaky legs he made his way to the tumble dryer and flicked the switch. "Um...It doesn't look like they're going to be dry tonight after all. Sorry." He watched Lee turn around slowly. He could hear his own breathing, loud in the room. They locked eyes and David's stomach twisted. He forced himself to continue, "And well...The thing is...If you try to make a run for it in my special travel dressing gown I'll have you done for theft, and in that wind, we're probably talking indecent exposure as well." His voice was surprisingly calm considering how hard his heart was thudding in his chest.

Lee paused, then ran the palm of his hand roughly over his face and through his hair, then to David's relief he smiled, eyes alight. "Come 'ere."

 

Lee didn't kiss him right away. Instead, he looked into David's eyes with a tenderness David had never seen.

"Are you sure about this?"

David nodded, "Yeah...And if it all goes tits up, at least we'll have an amusing if incredibly awkward little anecdote for series eight." He smiled apologetically, and Lee grinned.

"You'd have to abstain though, seen as you already know whether it's true."

"Fair point," David breathed as Lee stepped towards him, "Although, If we have Carr on, I doubt anyone would notice anyway."

"You sell yourself short, Mitchell," Lee purred. "You run rings round him, round them all." He reached out and pulled David towards him by the lapel of his own jacket. "Did I ever tell you how hot you are when you do that, by the way?" David stared at him, breathless. Carefully, Lee threaded the fingers of his right hand into the thick side of David's hair and pulled gently, tilting his head back until it was resting against the door frame. He felt David shiver, watched his lips part. He leaned in close until his mouth was just an inch from David's, and David could feel his breath, warm on his lips. "Once..." Lee whispered against the curve of his mouth, "...I engaged in some entirely inappropriate behaviour with David, whilst being forced to wear his special travel dressing gown."

David shivered, his eyes half closed, he could feel his cock responding to Lee's whispered words, to the heat of Lee's left palm against his chest through the thin cotton of his shirt.

"Interesting," David murmured, "And tell me Lee...How exactly were you _forced_ to wear this special travel dressing gown?"

Lee snickered softly, "Well, it was either that or be naked." He dipped his head to kiss David's neck, letting his lips and tongue trail lightly over warm skin, tasting him.

David moaned softly, "I'm pretty sure no-one would have minded," he croaked, "Perhaps...Perhaps you were secretly harbouring a fetish for said gown."

He felt Lee smile into his neck, nuzzling him, "Perhaps just a fetish for its owner."

David inhaled sharply. His eyes closing to the sensation of Lee's mouth as he drew his tongue lightly along the place just behind his right ear. He sighed, "Elaborate on that please."

"That's what I came to tell you. It's those eyes, you see," Lee murmured as he kissed his way along the collar bone, drawing a long, low groan out of David, " And that snarky little mouth of his...So sexy."

He pushed his body hard up against David's as he spoke, pressing him firmly into the door frame. David swallowed, his mouth dry. _Jesus!_ He could feel Lee's arousal against his hip. It was hard to breathe.

Lee's fingers slid over to David's top button, where his chest hair was just visible. His eyes found David's and pinned him there. David's eyes were soft, glazed as he looked back at him, "Tell me more about this...this 'inappropriate behaviour'," David breathed, " What did this involve... exactly?"

"Well..." Lee murmured, his gaze sliding down over David's mouth, hot and hungry, "At first it was just a kiss."

David groaned again. "No...I'm afraid I can't picture that at all. Perhaps you'd care to demonstrate?" His gaze flickered over Lee's mouth and back up to his eyes.

Lee smiled and licked his lips, so close to him now, "Well David, it went a bit like this..." And David's eyes closed as Lee's lips finally found his own, so gentle he wasn't sure they were even touching at all.

"Oh God... Lee," David panted against his mouth, and Lee groaned back, easing David's lips apart to lick into him, knotting his fingers in David's hair, kissing him deep and slow.

They broke away, both flushed and breathing heavily.

"What then?" David panted.

"Then he suggested we go to bed," Lee rasped, licking his lips.

"We should go to bed," David whispered, without missing a beat.

Lee grinned impishly, and bit his lip. "The inappropriate behaviour might have involved the cord from the special travel dressing gown."

David grinned back, taking Lee by the sleeve and leading him towards the bedroom, "Well in that case I'm going to say it's true," he simpered, "Definitely true."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
